i remember you..

saw yy at the dinner..felt very comfortable seeing a familar face there. the only sad thing was we didnt get to take a photo together. anyway thanks for the encouraging and farni sms!!! thanks for watching over me in your special ways..one more blessing to count in my life!!!! praise God..

Sunshine ; Monday, September 27, 2004


just went for appreciation dinner held by ntu's src. think this is the first time they are doing it and it was pretty well done i thought. amcee was very entertaining..just that he kept teasing me when he brought me up to the stage..sigh..it was soooooooooo embarrassing!!!!!! i didnt even volunteer myself, i was just sticking my head out towards xuanhan and he caught me!!! this guy i was supposed to dance with didnt even move loh..amcee suspected that he is not straight..hahah.got pulled up to the stage twice loh..the only good thing..i got prizes..left over shoebags from the heritage walk and a nalgene-wannabe water bottle..at least its red..gd!! gd!!

looked ghastly with a capital G this morning when i woke up to go to school. black eye bags!!! its just black loh. i looked like i didnt sleep for three days..anyway i did very badly for my poetry test. i thought i kind of deserve it cos i didnt put in effort to study. well i shall do better the next time round.

feel a bit stressful these few days. probably too much commitments already and i feel like that everyone is asking for my time and i dun even have time for myself..work work and more work..it just feels so comforting to sit at home and watch cartoons with justin and jeremy..

i am so going to enjoy myself when the holidays hit me!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunshine ; Monday, September 27, 2004

• its 430am..and im still awake..
• just swept my floor.
• just changed my bed sheets.
• just showered.
• just ate plastic noodles.
• just emailed peili.
• just missed peili.
• just read elvin's mail..so sweet..
• just blogged.
• just realised that i have not blogged for one wk.
• just feel like floatin to heaven now.

Sunshine ; Monday, September 27, 2004


rach and her mambo and us..

won the game with NUS and i felt so proud, once again we are now defending champions for the sixth time. it was fantanstic and everyone played well. our winning streak gave us more reasons to get ourselves high at mambo night. rach was the "highest" followed by wendy. stupid woman, rach was pulling my curls off my head and said she could give me the best perms. poor minjia, her ears were almost ripped off by rach.

i drank long island, 2 tequila shots and 2 glasses of vodlka lime. it was super crowded at phuture and the music sucks!! we went down to join rach instead at mambo, even xuanhan preferred mambo instead. patsy was watching over me and i thought it was very nice of her cos she was like moving me aside each time someone needs to cross my path. she was holdin onto me so that i wun fall or something. rach comment something abt us just now and i seriously dont think its true.

anyway i didnt sleep until early morning, my head was splitting so just couldnt get to sleep. first time ever i feel so helpless, i dunnoe what i could give, i dunnoe what i could say or what i could do. perhaps i know wat to say but i just dont dare to say it anymore....i used to think im a joy to have, but it seems like i bring more hurt than joy. i dun feel like smiling anymore, i dun feel like talking anymore..i just feel like being alone.

it scares me how much i could feel for someone until it feels like im losing myself..

"have you ever love somebody so much, it makes you cry
have you ever needed something so bad, you cant sleep at night
have you ever try to find the words but they dont come out right..
have you ever.."


Sunshine ; Friday, September 17, 2004


rainy days...another emotional day

its just as cloudy as it was in the morning..i woke up at 830am, amazingly early since i slept at 3am. but!! i didnt get out of my bed until 1pm, which makes me more lethargic now. trying to keep myself awake now.

completed a project yesterday afternoon, it was fun!! the four of us were transformed into reporters and editors, ivy and faith went to the canteen and interviewed my fav yan yan. i believed ivy and faith had fun, they went around taking pictures with the stall holders and all..ahhah..ah yve and i remained on the lab. she did the powerpoint and all, i thought i didnt do much, just came up with a few paragraphs of words. anyway, everything was possible cos my fav yan yan lent us her laptop and thumb drive. many thks!!

faith gave me something i love yesterday, a butterfly!!! hahah the colour's so sweet and it has glittering stuff on top..so nice. so darling of her!! anyway i was tellin my fav yan yan that im so truly happy with faith, ivy and ah yve. i feel so different towards them now as compared to last year. i just love being with them.

saw huilin on monday. i almost cried toking to her, cant believe how much i miss tokin to her and just having her with me. she is probably the only one who knows exactly what im going through..maybe not abt how i feel but at least i can just tell her what im so troubled with. haven really got the chance to sit down and tell her everything, just told her briefly whats going on now. i dunno what she will say, she knew something was wrong the minute i spoke to her. sigh..i wonder when is the next time ill get to tok to her again..i probably know what she is going to say and its perhaps something which i dun want to hear but i just need her to tok to me.

I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love. We seek the comfort of another. Someone to share and share the life we choose. Someone to help us through the never-ending attempt to understand ourselves. And in the end, someone to comfort us along the way.

sometimes i wonder how could love bring hurt at the same time...then i felt it when just a simple act or sentence wrenched my heart. i left, thinking that it wld be the best move but it just brought more tears. the hardest thing to do in life, i think, is to love someone. yet,the hunger for love is so much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread. in the past, i choose to hurt others than for them to hurt me, the chinese has this saying; "ning yuan wo fu tian xia ren , ye bu yuan tian xia ren fu wo". but now, i just hope that others wont hurt me that much. maybe they didnt choose to hurt me, but i just got too affected by them. where's the couldnt-care-less janet?

its still raining...i just feel that heaven above is pouring more sorrows unto me..




Sunshine ; Wednesday, September 15, 2004


Love

"To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage." Author: Lao-Tzu (6th century B.C.), Legendary Chinese philosopher.

wat a nice quote..but i thought i need more courage to love someone deeply..i will never plunge into something that deep. i think i protect myself too much..

Sunshine ; Saturday, September 11, 2004


its just one of the days when im so emotional...

ocean deep

Love can't you see i'm alone
Can't you give this fool a chance
A little love is all i ask - a little kindnessIn the night
Please don't leave me behind
No - don't tell me love is blind
A little love is all i ask and that is all

Oh love i've been searching so long
I've been searching high'n'low
A little love is all i ask - a little sadness
When you're gone
Maybe you need a friend
Only please don't let's pretend
A little love is all i ask and that is all

I wanna spread my wings - but i just can't fly
As a string of pearls and pretty girls go sailing by

Ocean deep - i'm so afraid to show my feelings
I have sailed a million ceilings - in my -Solitary room
Ocean deep - will i ever find a lover
Maybe she has found another
And as i cry myself to sleep
I know this love of mine i'll keep - ocean deep

Love can't you hear when i call
Can't you hear a word i say
A little love is all i ask
A little feeling when we touch
Why am i still alone?
I've got a heart without a home
A little love is all i ask - and that is all

I wanna spread my wings - but i just can't fly
As a string of pearls and pretty girls go sailing by

Ocean deep - i'm so afraid to show my feelingsI have sailed a million ceilings - in my -Solitary room
Ocean deep - will i ever find a lover
Maybe she has found another
And as i cry myself to sleepI know this love of mine i'll keep - ocean deep
I'm so lonely lonely lonely...Maybe..

i love this song. makes me cry when i heard it just now, or probably its just me, i just cry so easily. i saw this scene, sun ho singing with a few disabled kids and i just started crying. it was just so overwhelming, these kids are so strong themselves. they hold their chins up high despite the pain they have through their lives. i feel so small myself. cant even endure simple setbacks.

its raining outside. i feel like even the heaven above feel what im going through now. i guess you can forget what others have done or said to you but you will never forget how they make you feel. i never wish that nothing has never happened before, in fact, if you didnt come into my life, i would never know how much you mean to me and how important you are to me. there are only things i wish i never say or didnt do that could bring hurt to you.

i wonder how many times we want to cause such pain to our loved ones. i wonder how many times we choose to be more tactful towards our friends than to our loved ones.

isnt it weird that your loved ones could bring so much love and joy, as well as, so much tears and sorrow? "my greatest love sprung from my greatest hate." i guess juliet in RJ didnt say this for nothing.

a kiss, a hug frm someone i love mks my day..i remembered i was kissed and hugged
i can see the sunshine beaming behind the dark clouds now..the rain has stopped

Sunshine ; Saturday, September 11, 2004


my ankle is gettin worse. i still can walk but the occasional pain gets very intense. i dunnoe if i shd just go to a sinseh or just leave it. i have had experiences when chinese sinseh worsen the condition and its my ankle im talking abt now..if anythg shd happen, i cant dance and cant play netball, thats as good as taking my life away.

anyway, i spent 2 hours or slightly less than that toking to faith. we were just sitting in the canteen, talkin our hearts out. i guess i finally bridge the distance between us. initially i didnt think that i could close the gap, but i thought i really want faith as my friend, so i decided to do something before i lose the chance of having smone worth keepin.

i always feel that if u trust smone, u must be prepared that u will be disappointed in her or him. and that kind of pain u received is greater than any other kind of pain. i hope i wun be able to feel that kind pain again..after what previous girlfriends did to me..

watched anaconda just now. its a waste of my money and my time. shd hv spent the time watching spore idol or just slacking in my room. lousy dialouges, actors are not handsome, actresses are not pretty, not many scenes of the huge snake itself, lots of unnecessary screamings...argh...LOUSY..not worth any stars at all. i wanna watch terminal.

again, i thought of huilin, peili and beekee. i told faith i know i have friends who will support me when im down, they will definitely come for me wherever i am. how blessed i am.

Sunshine ; Friday, September 10, 2004


denial..denial..this is what we get when some people try ways and means to hide the truth.

truth, is like sunshine. you can never hide it, it may seem darker in the night but the next morning, there isnt any part of the earth, that sunshine could never reach. once the dark clouds clear, it shines ever so brightly.

the more she explains, the more contradicting her words sound, the more doubtful is her character. well, i guess she probably just doesnt want to have any animosity with anyone but she made the wrong moves. first she tells, then she lies, afterwhich she explains, then she lies, lastly, she contradicts herself. whatever!!! she can do all she wants, i simply dont regard her presence at all. i think she is only good at pushing the blame to everyone except herself and has no gumptions to bear responsibilties for her actions and doesnt eat her own words.

im not perfect myself, i know, im very ego and very bad tempered but at least when im wrong, i say im wrong....depends on situation lah. yes, once again, i told my fav yanyan that im a little woman with a huge ego. i just stand by my beliefs. of cos, people around me allow my egoistic behaviour..hahah like peili and huilin, how could i forget ming, well, i didnt love them for nothg!!!

went to the doc with yanyan, she has been coughing for so long and i finally got her to see the doc again. before that, the four sisters and yanyan took a bumpy bus ride out to jurong point and had a great time laughing. as usual, ivy's facial expression was the joke of the day and yve's indifferent attitude was damn funny. faith joined me and yanyan to the clinic and im glad that we all enjoyed each other's accompany.

i believe i can share more of myself with faith, afterall, not everyday i could find someone to tok to, regarding God.

bobby was so kind today, he helped me with the volleyballs which qiumei wanted and he even
'kop" a roll of bandage for me. the certified first aider, ahem ahem..*so proud of her* yeo yan yan aka as my fav yanyan, bandaged my ankle for me.

im enjoying every moment of my life, though filled with many obstacles, i just want to thank God for my life. i love my friends, probably said this a hundred times before, i still want to say..i love all of them, i love peili, i love beekee, i love huilin, i love yanyan, i love ivy, i love faith, i love ah yve.


Sunshine ; Thursday, September 09, 2004


princess in her lazii mode...

• just done with my yufa aka chinese grammar presentation.
• its 3.05am
• tokin to faith online.
• yanyan is ill.
• ming cooked mee for me 2 hours ago, thanks.
• injured my ankle last weekend, during ivp training camp.
• stucked in hall last weekend.
• listening to ella frm S.H.E singing now.
• super blur now.
• my ankle hurts.

Sunshine ; Wednesday, September 08, 2004


murderer!!!!
who is the true back stabber????

"was a bit down recently..
quite disppointed to be exact..
i dunno how ppl see me or how they treat me..
but i really cherish friendship alot..i kept silence but tat doesn't mean i hack care..is becoz i dun wish things to turn even more sour..
regarding to wat happened recently, i dun wish to say anything anymore..
all i wan to say is, put urself into my shoes..will u be angry if u were me? i really treated her as one of my pals in sch..
and yet she did such things to me when i was absent..
has she considered other's feelings?
i dun wish to speak to her these few days was becoz i need time to cool down..nt avoiding..
as frens, i really hope tat she can be more tactful when handling such matters again..coz it will be to her disadvantage..
ask anyone close ard u to see if this is the correct way to handle such situation..
all i can say is tat i'm really upset over this matter..
but time will heal all wounds..i will forget very soon.."

i copied wholesale, word for word, dun blame me for the spelling or grammatical errors. my heartbeat is super fast now and i can feel my blood's temperature rising.

guess who wrote this beatiful and dying-fo- some-sympathy journal?? well well, *drums roll* none other than our tan back stabber!!!!!!!! some background knowledge about how this cunning and sly murderer kills my friend.

the murderer pierced through the heart of the victim, the victim sruvives though. murderer admits to my friend that she killed the victim. little did the murderer know that the victim knew who killed her. hence, murderer feigns ignorance and went to the victim, told her that my friend was the true murderer. the cunning bitch then published such a writing, "im so upset that the victim knows the truth!!! now that she knows my true colours, i better find a scapegoat and hide my true colours!!!"

you are such a bitch!!! i wish you will see this with your own eyes and know how much i detest you and you ever so disgusting!!! you actually have the cheek to say that you are upset and all when you are the ultimate liar and back stabber!!!! do you know who is hurt and upset?? friends who thought you could be trusted to hold your own words, friends who thought you wont do such a disgusting act and you have the guts to cry for sympathy and post such a big piece of lie on the net. you dun even the guts to admit what you have said yet could have the courage to turn everything around and push the blame to someone else!!!!! well done!!!! i never knew someone who does volunteer work and a teacher-to-be could do things like that, thanks, you enlighten me. thanks for betraying my trust in you, thanks for hurting someone who truly cares for you and is still speakin for you now. if not for your works, i wont know yve has such a forgiving heart, to this extent.sleepless nites?? conscience pricking? i wonder if you will ever experience them..STOP CRYING FOR ANYMORE SYMPATHY!!! YOU DUN DESERVE ANY!! STOP SPREADING LIES, SAVE THESE DISGUST FOR YOURSELF!!!

Sunshine ; Friday, September 03, 2004


" u are going to have a black xmas then!" hahahhahaa..i burst out laughing my guts out. such a phrase from my "jin lan jie mei" ivy poh ser lee. i told her im contemplating going to india for YEP but its in december which means, ill miss the xmas celebration and all the shopping i love to do. i dun think my jie meis would go with me so im asking my fav yanyan..hahaha..she is my yanyan so must ask her :)

anyway, my heart goes out to ah yve. afterall, she was misunderstood and disappointed. shall not reveal wat exactly went wrong, just in case she doesnt want me to post such a thg on the web. well, i thought it was disgusting. as in, wat the others did to her. its probably misunderstandings after misunderstandings that led to such a letdown situation.

i strongly feel that your actions reveal your character. isnt it not? whatever we do, shows our principles, the rules we abide by, the truth which we believe in, that is why we have certain reactions when a situation arises. like me, i have no qualms with displaying my preferrances and dislikes. i make it very idiot proof that you can see it on my face whether im in love with you or i hate you to the core. ok..maybe i wun make it so obvious if i love you, unless you are blind, my facial expression conveys messages very clearly. my mum said im not a survivor. cos i cant just show people how much i dislike them. i feel that its very hypocritical of me to put up such a pretence. anyway, these people dont create me or ensure my survival, they are just my complement goods.

it dawn upon me that i spend most of my time now with faith, ivy and yve. cos of school, i spend a lot of time with them more than anyone else. Thank God i love them, else life in nie would be awful. Thank God for sending all these lovely friends in my life, ivy, faith and ah yve, now even peijun is in ntu..how could i forget my yanyan..thank God for her too.

forgot to give 3 yucks to her. yucks!! yucks!! yucks!! i think only my yanyan knows what im toking abt.

Sunshine ; Friday, September 03, 2004


the weather is very warm. just sittin in my room makes me feel very hot. lucky my room's ventilation is not bad. anyway just got back hall and i feel like sleeping already. i think warm weather makes you feel tired.

had my presentation this morning and i thought it well fine. maybe not very good but smooth i guess. poor ivy didnt managed to participate in the activity cos someone took her answer..the funniest thg was, steph coudnt find her answer too cos her answer to her question was sticked to her back..hahah..anyway, luckily the game went well. the tutor gave some comments i thought was constructive but maybe he overlooked some points. still , i think its beta to have feedback so that we know wat are our faults and how we could improve.

talked to faith abt God just now. i told her that sometimes i just talk to God without saying "amen" cos im like having a conversation with Him so no need to be so formal. i feel that i want to bring God closer to me, so im having a "friend-friend" relationship with my lao pa. i told faith that i once was lost but now am found, i believe there is a time for everyone to come to know God. i remembered the times i dread going to church, stop serving in my ministry and didnt even read my bible. i thought since im so sinful, might as well stop being a christian. however, deep within me, i know that there's no way i can turn God away in my life, He gave His life for me on the cavalry, there's no way i can deny His grace and how much God has done for me. i cant just tell anyone that "im not a christian". moreover, someone said that if i dont serve God, ill be a slave of the devil. it is tryin to bring me down, make me despise my true identity as God's child, and luring me to reject God. thus, after deciding that i rather be God's child and see His face in heaven than to be the devil's slave and serve him in hell. i went back to God and live my life now, happily ever after. so fairy tale..afterall im a princess..

Lord i pray, when there is darkness, let there be light. when there is fallacy, let there be truth, when we dont have the strength, let Your almighty power bring us through, when we are tired, walk with us. when there is disbelief, let loose the faith in us. may Your blood cover us from the crown of our head to the sole of our feet. amen





Sunshine ; Wednesday, September 01, 2004